Heartbroken...

Yes ladies and gentlemen I am back after a big break, a lot has happened In this gap. I have been deliriously happy and hopelessly miserable. I have been really busy and super vella all at once. I had wanted to come back, to revisit this private sanctuary of mine for a very long time. Well many reasons have kept me away; sometimes there was no time, sometime no laptop and internet connection, at other times I was just plain lazy. The truth is that I write only when I have this urge to scream out to the world the things that I can say to no one. Though the past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and yet I did not feel this need because I always had a shoulder to cry on, and somebody to share the laughter with. I was in the false sense of security that the reassuring words can give you.

Today I was rudely woken from this dream to realise that one should not take any thing in life for granted. And so here I am with my self esteem shattered to bits all due to this all but expected revelation that the shoulder which I was using as a support actually thought of me as a weight. It’s a miserable feeling when you are being pitied and that too by people who are supposed to love you the most. A part of you is what u think other people think of you, and today I wanted to kill that part of me when I realized that the relations that I thought were the very building blocks of my survival think of me as a sad mistake of their past which they regret till date. Is this what I have been reduced to, someone else’s redemption?

No one is perfect and neither am I. I know this is a lame excuse for all my wrong doings, but that small tiny bit of self respect that still remains inside me tells me that I definitely did not deserve this. In a way history is repeating itself, I seem to be the person who does not learn from her own mistakes. A very dear friend of mine once told me that we should not let anybody have so much power over us that they can make our lives miserable, just by uttering one thoughtless sentence. My only regret is that this time it is much worse than the last time. This time I am really left all alone.

Today I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me... let’s wait and watch.

I pray for optimism

I thought I was I fast decision taker. That was before I actually had to face a situation where decisions start becoming tough and they threaten to have ever lasting impact. My life is currently as good as it can get.  I have people who love me beside me. I have financial security. And I have what can be called a great job. In short it is the exact opposite of “Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.”  But still something inside me kept pushing me to reach out for something else. What that something else was even I am not sure but a do realize that if I did not listen to that little voice inside me I would remain restless for a long long time. And so here I am ready to put my life and the comfort zones that make it so beautiful at stake and go looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what that light represents but I can’t help being drawn to it like a moth. I hope everything turns out to be fine. My best laid plans have always gone haywire, and frankly luck has never really favored me and so I am really scared.

I pray to god to give me that strength that I may not regret my decisions whatever may be the outcome of them. I don’t pray for all good things to happen to me but I do pray for optimism. Several small incidents of my life have made me a little paranoid and thus at the eve of what should have been the greatest achievement of my life, the one thing that I was sure would give me happiness all I can feel is the fear of misfortune lurking around the corner.

How little we know ourselves. What is important and what is not? What are the things that really matter? How to maintain that perfect balance? I thus set out in quest of the ever elusive answers to these questions…