Heartbroken...

Yes ladies and gentlemen I am back after a big break, a lot has happened In this gap. I have been deliriously happy and hopelessly miserable. I have been really busy and super vella all at once. I had wanted to come back, to revisit this private sanctuary of mine for a very long time. Well many reasons have kept me away; sometimes there was no time, sometime no laptop and internet connection, at other times I was just plain lazy. The truth is that I write only when I have this urge to scream out to the world the things that I can say to no one. Though the past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and yet I did not feel this need because I always had a shoulder to cry on, and somebody to share the laughter with. I was in the false sense of security that the reassuring words can give you.

Today I was rudely woken from this dream to realise that one should not take any thing in life for granted. And so here I am with my self esteem shattered to bits all due to this all but expected revelation that the shoulder which I was using as a support actually thought of me as a weight. It’s a miserable feeling when you are being pitied and that too by people who are supposed to love you the most. A part of you is what u think other people think of you, and today I wanted to kill that part of me when I realized that the relations that I thought were the very building blocks of my survival think of me as a sad mistake of their past which they regret till date. Is this what I have been reduced to, someone else’s redemption?

No one is perfect and neither am I. I know this is a lame excuse for all my wrong doings, but that small tiny bit of self respect that still remains inside me tells me that I definitely did not deserve this. In a way history is repeating itself, I seem to be the person who does not learn from her own mistakes. A very dear friend of mine once told me that we should not let anybody have so much power over us that they can make our lives miserable, just by uttering one thoughtless sentence. My only regret is that this time it is much worse than the last time. This time I am really left all alone.

Today I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me... let’s wait and watch.