I have always longed for some things, but then who hasn’t. But I never tried as hard for anything as I did for this. If I look back I think some things went wrong right from the beginning. I didn’t realize at the time and kept hoping that my past would just go away abut that never happens. So at least there is one take away from all this, this time I will accept my past and I hope my past will be accepted.
I tried and tried to become someone I was not. To try and change the way I thought. But you can never really change who you are. But what if I am someone I don’t like. What if I am that person my parents warned me against? Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? Probably nothing! Nothing I did could have fought with that fear, that mistrust. It had to catch up with me one day. I was an eternal optimist and truly believed that one day it will all be worth it. Like any romantic comedy my life would have a happily ever after, but there are no ever- afters in life. Life is less like a movie and more like those never ending daily soaps where each day is a new episode. Each day will come with its own list of things to deal with and at the end of the day you can just pray “let tomorrow not be worse than today”
It is amazing what the human mind is capable of. In the past 4 months I have felt so many extreme emotions that I did not think possible. Everything in my life is going normally but there is a part of my brain which just does not forget. There is always the same thought with dimensions ranging from longing, hate, anger, fear, relief, pity, doubt etc. Questions haunt me at night. I ask myself why? I scream into the valley “Why?” The echo comes back “You know why!” But I don’t.
I want to be free now. To start with a clean slate, but can u ever really clean the slate. I guess you can but in the end it’s just a clean slate not a new one. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. But it is proving much more difficult than I thought .
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